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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. With Beer.

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his arse. He says,
"How'd you get a cork in your arse?".
The other guy says,
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out, he said 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish', Then I said, 'No shit'".

Q. What is the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on

There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while, he approaches the group of lads and pointing at the one in the middle shouts, " I've shagged your mum!"
The three guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mum's sucked my cock!" The same thing happens - he then continues to drink, alone at the bar. Ten minutes later he's back again and announces, "Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!"
By now the young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, "Look dad, you're drunk, now piss off home!"

A young man joins the Air Force. He writes his father, saying that he is really frightened about the upcoming parachute exercises. A few months later he gets leave and goes home. His father asks, "So, how did the parachute jump go, son?" Son replies, "Well, Dad, it came time for me to jump and I froze at the door. My drill sergeant comes up behind me. He is a really big tough guy. He said to me that I had to either jump out of the plane or he was going to "do me" with his 12- incher!" Father says, " Well, Son, did you jump?" " Just a little at first" said the son.

A man married to his teenage sweetheart vows that he'll never let anyone touch his beloved wife. Be it someone buying her a drink, someone touching her up or even another bloke talking to her. Then one day, when the two are sat in a pub, a bloke walks in, strolls up to the bar, buys himself and the other man's wife a drink. He then says to the woman, "I'd like to fill your twat with Guinness and drink the lot, straight from your hole". "Bloody hell Ron!" the woman says, "Aren't you going to kick his head in?".
"Fuck that, " Ron says, "I'm not arguing with ANY bloke that can drink 20 pints of Guinness!".

A guy goes to a urinal to piss, as he starts pissing he looks over at the guy next to him, the guys is 3 feet tall and has a 12inch dick. The guy says damn, yer huge! The midget says, well, I'm a leprachaun. we're all like this. The guy say's do ya think I could get one that big. The leprachaun says sure but you'll have to let me fuck you in the ass first. The Guy thinks well, it'll be sore and uncomfortable for a few days but what the hell a 12 inch dick is worth it. The leprachaun starts fucking him and after about 5 minutes the leprachaun asks how old are you anyway? The guy says 23. The leprachaun says " 23 eh, and you still believe in leprachauns! Heheheheeheh"

How do you keep your wife screaming, even after shes climaxed? Wipe you dick on the curtains.

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