5. What men really mean to say.

tagtag.com/oneliners

A Woman's Guide to the intricacies of what a man really means when he says something to you.

**Pay close attention, you never know when your man may hold a quiz.**

If he says.........What he means is....

"Was it good for you?" ==> "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"I want a commitment." ==> "I'm sick of masturbation."

"I had a wonderful time last night." ==> "Who the hell are you?"

"I've been thinking a lot." ==> "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I'll give you a call." ==> "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I'm a Romantic." ==> "I'm poor."

"I think we should just be friends." ==> "You're ugly."

"Haven't I seen you before?" ==> "Nice ass."

"I have something to tell you." ==> "Get tested."

No, I don't want to dance right now ==> Shoot! She'll know she gave me a woody!

The break-up should not start 'til tomorrow ==> I want to have sex a few more times.

You're the only girl I've ever cared about==> You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.

We've been through so much together ==> If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity.

"I've learned a lot from you." ==> " Next!!!!"

"I need you" ==> My hand is tired.

"I want you back" ==> ...for tonight anyway.

"I am different from all the other guys" ==> I am not circumsized.

"I miss you so much" ==> I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.

"Want to snuggle?" ==> I noticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?" ==> I've done something stupid and you might find out.

"Do you *really* love me? ==> I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.

"How much do you love me?" ==>I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now.

"It's just orange juice, try it." ====> 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.

"She's kinda cute." ====> I want to have sex with her till I am blue.

"I don't know if I like her" ====> She won't sleep with me.

"I really want to get to know you better." ====> So I can tell my friends about it.

"How do I compare with all you other boyfriends?" ====> Is my penis really that small?

"The car isn't running right." ===>I want a bigger engine and more knobs to play with.

"My tools are obsolete." ==> I can't figure out how to work the old ones and the commercial says even a chimp can use the new ones.

"I know where I am." ==> Oh God! Where the HELL am I?

"I need new shoes ==> The pair that I've had since high school fell apart in the rain.

"The remote is broken." ==> Come here wherever you are and change the channel for me.

"I'm hungry." ====> Make me something to eat

"This kitchen is so inconvenient." ==> I can't see the tv from here.

"The dishwasher is full." ==> I've run out of places to hide the dirty dishes.

"It's your decision." ==> I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just take half the credit.

"We need to talk." ==> I need to complain.

"Sure,... go ahead." ==> I don't want you to....but.... I'll use this next time we fight, to show how supportive I am.

"You're,... so feminine." (Actually a Question) ==> Do you do laundry..cook.. windows...bake?

"Let's be romantic... turn out the lights." ==> Beer gut? What beer gut...Ohh....uh..o.

"You want..." ==> I know what you should want.

"We need..." ==> I want.

"Do what you want and sulk." ==> I'll just sit on the couch.

I'm feeling romantic tonight. ==> There's no game on tonight.

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over- reacting! ==> I'm losing my hair.

"I had her." ==> I had (wet dreams about) her all week.

In answer to " What's Wrong?"

"Nothing" ==> I'm in the middle of a fantasy. Go away.

"Nothing, really." ==> It's just that I'm such a smacked ass.

"I'm not upset." ==> Of course I'm upset, but only a wuss would admit it.

"I don't want to talk about it." ==> I'm impotent.

"Everything ==> Some gorgeous 18 yr. old called me " Sir."

UPDATED --- UPDATED - -- UPDATED --- UPDATED --- UPDATED

The following are new translations of what men really mean to say, so if any are duplicates, or similar to the above, I apologize.

"IT'S A GUY THING."

Translated: " There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Translated: " Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH, HUH," "SURE, HONEY, " OR "YES, DEAR"

Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."

Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY; YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."

Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Translated: " Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F. Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Translated: " The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF; IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Translated: " And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Translated: " What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."

Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit; I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."

Translated: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

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